children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
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I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
New favorite tiktok
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance