i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
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I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Never let them know your next move 😂
That de-escalated quickly
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.