straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
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I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Covid like
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.