Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
You Might Also Like
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
😬
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.