reverse psychology? that’ll never work
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Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.