[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
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What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.