Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
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The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
No laws when master is gone
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
What
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there