Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
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Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
channeling her this year
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice