[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
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Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute