have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.