E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
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Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have