*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I don’t make the rules sorry
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
A double negative is a big no-no.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.