They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
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Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…