I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???