Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
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FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble