Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
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*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
What in the hipster hell is going on here
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”