Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
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I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.