coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
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Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING