Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.