I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
You Might Also Like
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
how to have fun when you’re poor
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.