BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
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Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*