a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
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Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?