Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
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An owl showing some catlike behavior.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Not all heroes wear capes….
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Once again not all heroes wear capes
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.