Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
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BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Incredible customer service.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.