I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
…u ok Nintendo?
Growing out my freckles.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.