There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
You Might Also Like
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I ate everything, including the H.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..