There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
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Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar