Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
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A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?