I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
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Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
english majors be like furthermore
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
had to make it
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man: