today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
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YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless