I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
You Might Also Like
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…