Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
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a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Me when my alarm goes off
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.