Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
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No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.