Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
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Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Sending in my taxes
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream