If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
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Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Any refunds available?…
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.