People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
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My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.