*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
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Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.