I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
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It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
The “baby” on the left….
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood