My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
You Might Also Like
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.