[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
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son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
The only equipped I am is ill.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.