I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
You Might Also Like
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
This week’s mood.
giddy up Office Depot
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Happy thanksgiving!
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.