The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
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Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking