If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
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Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My daily affirmation
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee