Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
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Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Smile Twitter, Smile.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?