What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you