Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
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“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Ion see the issue
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it