jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
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Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
adding to the discourse
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.