my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
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Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Bruh PLEASE
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough