I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
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Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Hot Hot Hot
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.