There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
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Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
What if all the cashiers are married?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
That de-escalated quickly
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.